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Something’s Changed

20 Jan

I have been very fortunate in my life that by the age of 21 years, I have never lost a significant member of my family. Of course there have been pets, and not to disregard them, but yesterday my Grandad passed away at the age of 75.

I’m not sure what is the correct way to deal with this, and being 300 miles from home and amidst a busy University term doesn’t exactly lend itself to making the situation easier. We were close, closer when I was younger and when I saw him everyday. It was quick, a shock and unexpected for all. I’m emotionally struggling and clearly need time to breathe, release and accept the situation. I can’t help feeling like the outside world is reflecting my emotions.


18/01/13 – taken by myself.

The world that was is now shrouded underneath impenetrable ice and heavy snow. I know it is the world that will be again; the trees and plants still live underneath, they just can’t be as they were right now. Sometimes the harsh reality knocks them down, sometimes it wipes them out, but almost always they merely hibernate and come back fighting in the spring. Until the sun is warmer they won’t be completely free of the elements weighing them down and, like them, I know I am a hibernation away from returning to the life I knew, although it will be one which will have altered significantly. In literature they call this connection between emotions and the weather ‘pathetic fallacy’ and in literature we are taught to make these connections, so perhaps I’m going a little mad or perhaps I need some time away from the books. Perhaps, instead, I should embrace this connection and when the snow melts and the ground thaws, I should take that as my cue to continue with the life I know he had hoped I would lead.


Same Old Jokes

1 Jan

It’s been an age since I last wrote, it definitely was last year…It’s only 16 hours into 2013 and that jokes already unfunny, doesn’t bode well!

I’ve had a marvelously unexciting holiday period, unfortunately this was mainly due to a routine operation I had that left me with a few complications to deal with, one of which left me unable to eat much solid food and so Christmas dinner, i.e. that one dinner of the year where you are allowed to stuff your face, eat things that really shouldn’t go together, that one day we in my family look forward to for a good portion of the year. I may be the only person who has significantly lost weight over the past few weeks rather than put it on,

This next year has a lot to bring in terms of milestones and highlights, travel wise I’m particularly excited about visiting New York City for the second time and making one of my dreams come true by Trekking the Great Wall of China – something I very much need to prepare for physically. I’m also fundraising for the glorious Make-a-Wish Foundation with the trek, so a lot of hard work needs to go into that too.

Big things ahead, anyway, best get back to the books – perhaps succeeding at my degree should be my number one resolution…

One of Four

29 Feb

Happy 29th February. Why did February become the lucky month? Or the unlucky month, a few days short of all the others. It’s not really fair.

Adulthood begins at Twenty?

4 Oct

Big things are about to happen in my life and I’m talking B.I.G.

Firstly I am approaching the age I shall now call ‘Twenteen’ as an ode to my childhood that seems to have been taken away from me before I was ready to let it go. I know a birthday doesn’t mean that you should necessarily grow up, but taking away the ‘teen’ that I’ve been used to for the past seven years seems a little bit like a physical shove into adulthood. The process from child to adult just feels like it should be a conscious, if gradual, decision.

The fact that I still live in my parental home probably doesn’t help this aging business but all that is about to change…for I am MOVING OUT (and into university accomodation).

Okay so…it’s sort of a cop-out as moving out goes, but it’s honestly going to be the most challenging part of my life so far; negotiating washing without shrinking the majority of my clothes, living off strict rations imposed by student-poverty, having to actually live an independent life without the cushion of parents or friends I’ve known for a decade to back me up (‘She’s not insane, I swear!’).

So it’s made me think, perhaps I’ve morphed into adulthood without realising? Despite the fact that I will remain a perpetual midget and young-looking for the forseeable future, perhaps from an outward appearance I do seem more adult than I feel inside. Surely I have to have done by the age of 20?

‘What do I judge to be an adult?’ I thought to myself and I realised it was in several detailed yet very important actions, things that you naturally progress to at one point or another in life that are indications for everyone else that you have, in actual fact, aged.

1) Firstly owning (and using) a book of stamps, ready to whip out when required. Think about it logically, it’s an outward sign that you have stopped relying on others and have purchased (or been given, and in which case is this point is void) your own stamps.

2) Choosing what you wear/eat/do ALL of the time without starving, looking ridiculous and spending all your time and money at fairgrounds/playing video games. This only works if it is entirely your call on all of these matters and thus you are independent which almost always automatically will introduce you to adulthood.

3) Moving Out, particularly into your own place, should theoretically be the ultimate sign of adulthood but with University accommodation, boarding schools, living with several friends in a dirt-ridden-pit-of-doom being alternatives to the house of Mum and Dad, it doesn’t quite win the title. Extra kudos to those living alone – congratulations you are officially enrolled into the ranks of adulthood.

4) Taking a Flight on YOUR OWN, has to be the ultimate sign of independence and maturity. You can deal with the awkward sitting around alone in departures, being touched up by security without that look to your companion(s) which makes it all better, sitting on a plane for hours either a) making conversation with strangers or b) ignoring the humans you have been placed into contact with. Ergo, independent adult. If you have an underage tag on your person or if someone has to hold your hand through this and check that you’re not going to run around/get lost on the plane then this point, too, is void.

5) Having TOTAL responsibility for another HUMAN is probably the least fun, the one you definitely can’t escape and revert back to the childhood stage (unless, of course, the human is borrowed, on some sort of time-share or kidnapped). It’s one of those signs that normally happens upon you and forces your way into adulthood, the ‘choice’ of becoming an adult has been made for you and if you don’t comply then you are an awful, awful person.

I’m still working on them, not quite sure I have conquered the role of ‘adult’ even if it is soon to be assumed upon me. Perhaps just living this change will help me mutate into the adult I will become. Perhaps in many ways I’m very nearly there, living on the cusp of adulthood without realising…but anyway, I have to go, Sesame Street is about to start.

Too Many Books Spoil The Broth?

30 Aug

I’ve been in some sort of hyperdrive when it comes to reading lately. I suddenly realised that I was slacking in the reading list that I needed to look into for University and allocated myself ‘Reading Time’ for an hour (or so) every day. However, it seems to have had the opposite effect to the extent that I’ve become immune to the messages and meaning in the words and instead I’m focusing solely on the page count. I’m not being aided by the fact that the texts that I’m reading wouldn’t exactly be described as easy reading and I’ve struggled to try to even enjoy a couple of them (looking at you, Virginia Woolf).

I’m not quite sure when exactly reading started feeling more like a chore than a pleasure but I’m taking a dip out of essential (and a little more complex) reading to something, anything a little less challenging (and hopefully that equals more enjoyable – a correlation that I need to defeat).

Happy Half Birthday To Me, Happy Half Birthday To Me, Happy…

16 Apr

This year I decided to celebrate my Half-Birthday due to the fact that my real day of birth is going to be celebrated away from home with people I’ve met a few days previous. Due to this fact I’m not planning to spread the fact of when my real birthday is with my new friends, instead I will probably hide away in my new room and sulk.

When I say celebrate I mean actually make a point of noticing it and have a take-away as a treat. Not presents or this;

Although, if anyone decides to give me this at any point of the year, birthday related or not, I will be extremely happy. I find the idea of receiving gifts and having a party, as a few people seem to, a little bit absurd but I think the fact that I won’t be at home for my real birthday justifies the need to make a point of this Half Birthday.

I’ve Come To The Conclusion That;

4 Apr

Life is a period where you use your own lifetime to meet others’.

Sometimes you touch someone else’s life and other times they touch upon yours.

The most important thing is that after moments where two lives collide, things never stay the same ever again.

We change.

And, in the end, we realise that the money, the cars and the worries didn’t matter one bit; that the only thing that did were the people.